


we are the same (it's perfectly strange)

by chococchii



Category: DCU, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Adulthood, Birthday, Birthday Party, Bisexual Character, Childhood Trauma, Dick is a mess, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, Growing Up, Growing Up Together, Heart to Heart Conversation, Heart-to-Heart, Hurt/Comfort, Identity Issues, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nostalgia, Past Relationship(s), Self-Worth Issues, Teen Crush, because I'm weak, okay i'm realizing just now, what kind of title did i choose anyway, what's up with all these different issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:09:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27942041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chococchii/pseuds/chococchii
Summary: It’s almost ironic, Dick pondered. They used to be one and the same, and in some aspects they still were, but life’s mercy went the exact opposite way.(In which growing up is much more than time passing by, Dick is lost and Roy is the one to find him.)
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Roy Harper, Dick Grayson/Roy Harper
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43





	we are the same (it's perfectly strange)

**Author's Note:**

> so!!   
> bitches starting three thousand dickroy wips because apparently hyperfixation hit but only completed a simple one.  
> it's me. i'm bitches.  
> anyways!! first off, i'm leaving here a special thanks for @wettthepotterheadss4120, who was so kind and patient and the best beta reader a girl could ask for!! especially because english isn't my mother language, so... yeah. that may be kind of a problem.  
> by the way. the title is from [_wolves without teeth_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAI5GSyXMjA), by of monsters and men!! i have no idea why i chose that. i just guessed it fits, but not even that much if you ask me-

Dick was ten when he realized he wasn’t a kid like any other.

He would go to school, see everyone running around and playing and having fun. Dick messed around with them, during the recess, but then the long, black car coming in front of the school gate would remind him of his current status. Even what was supposed to be a brief, earsplitting honking to catch his attention had a finely elegant sound, that seemed to draw any gaze in the courtyard and turn on a spotlight above Dick’s little head. And he would smile at Alfred, in the driver’s seat, and walk to the car like nothing was wrong, as if he couldn’t feel a myriad pairs of eyes on his back, as if he didn’t feel the urge to understand what was in their minds as they saw him. 

After all, there was absolutely nothing weird about a loving butler picking his surrogate son’s ward up from school in a fancy car and taking him back to an ancient and majestic manor he lived in. He was a normal kid, like any of his classmates.

Even going out at night with Batman, after all, wasn’t much of a big deal. It made him feel special, of course; during those few hours of the night, he ceased being Dick Grayson for a while, and Robin jumped above the city, swinging in the air next to Batman. It was almost like being on the trapeze again, wind whistling in his ears and flashes of colors and lights dashing all around him. It’s a circus again, inside of his heart, cheerfulness and wonder flowing in his veins, adrenaline blurring and erasing the abyss beneath him that could swallow him at every given second. 

He’s free, he’s like a bird, a robin, small and fast, with no worries but kicking bad guys’ asses and laughing, leaving a trail of jubilation and exuberance behind him. 

With the night ending, he came back to being Dick. He went to sleep, complaining about the early bedtime, then whined as he woke up, went to school, did his homework and so on. Robin was the Boy Wonder, but Dick Grayson had nothing remarkable to separate him from all the other kids his age.

But then it _came_ – the night when reality slapped him right in the face, shattering the enchanting lens he used to see through. 

It’s not like he never saw Death before. A year or so earlier, she came for his parents, and Dick just couldn’t take his eyes off her. She was dark and cold, floating above the ground, gruesome and macabre, but yet seducing, enigmatic; she looked at him in the face, through her monstrous palor, and she seemed to give him a challenge, as if she was daring him to get to know her. She was cruel, pure and transparent, horror creeped through the cracks in her face, but Dick could _feel_ the real dread hidden under her squid-ink-black cape, invisible to mortal eyes.

They stared at each other, for an imprecise span of frozen time. She had his neck in her ghostly fingers, his breath couldn't go past his throat, stuck somewhere between the mouth and the lungs. She liked him, but it wasn’t Dick she was there for. Death kissed both his parents, on the foreheads, softly, with her cold lips on their skin that lost all of its warmth, shot one last glance at the boy – mysterious, untelling, promising – and then flew away, bringing the frost away with her. Dick’s throat opened up, but a desperate cry came instead of breath. 

He thought he wouldn’t meet her for a long time, after that. Two-Face invited her over, though, hit him with a bat, so many times and with such strength that Dick wondered where he took all the energy from. Or, at least, he would’ve, if every bone in his body wasn’t breaking; he wanted to cry and scream, but there was blood closing his throat, flowing all over the pavement instead of his veins where it should’ve been. It mixed with tears and snot on his face, painted his brain and his eyes red, wet him with terror.

He saw her. Death was standing right in front of him, imperious and horrific like that time. But there was ice in his lungs, and his heart felt light, and Dick knew, this time, she was there to pick _him_ up. He wasn’t afraid, when she approached him and took his face in her hands, stroking his cheeks and studying his eyes with hers, as cold and empty as Dick figured them. There was quiet, in her palms, where her fingerprints marked his skin. It was his end – but so be it, then, he found himself thinking when her breezing breath was on his forehead.

He was sincerely surprised, waking up. Death was a teasing lover, after all.

Alfred was at his side. Tiredness in his ancient features, he explained Dick had fought hard, lost more blood than should’ve been possible and gotten an insane amount of fractures, but he had survived, and that was more than enough. «We were terrified we’d lose you, Master Richard. I’m glad you’re home, son.» Alfred had stroked his hair, relief in his hazelnut irises, and had walked out of the room, stating he’d go call Bruce and prepare some breakfast.

Dick was left alone, and he thought. He thought about death, and Death, and life, and his two lives, and it ran him over like a rock. It wasn’t only Robin who almost died that night. If she had kissed him, Dick Grayson would’ve died – not only the boy vigilante who saved Gotham and flied next to the Batman, but the other boy, too, Bruce Wayne’s ward, the nine-year-old kid who went to school and hated maths and was good at rolling on skates. And it wasn’t only that time, because even if he never came this close, he would always risk his life, _his whole life_ , every night, instead of watching cartoons and painting and arguing with his parent for not letting him stay up late. 

Dick wasn’t a kid like any other. He was alone.

He cried. 

He got over it – kind of, at least. He was Robin, the partner of the greatest detective of the world and quintessential solitary hero, loneliness was just natural, for him. He laughed and joked around with his peers, and it was fine, even if they didn’t really know him. Even if he had to carry that baggage by himself, even if there was no one who could possibly understand him, understand the pain of being a mere human playing catch with Death herself, with the knowledge of being simply _doomed_ to lose to her. But a screen on his chest and a radiant smile were more than enough, for him to have fun with kids like any other. 

But there was no need for others to know; you don’t have to really understand someone, to know them.

He learned with the Teen Titans, a few years later. They were crimefighters, just like him, alone within their peers, just like him, and they were young and craving fun, just like him. But they still had a distance from Dick, and that would’ve never changed. They had their powers helping them, keeping _her_ a little more behind. Dick didn’t. All of his weapons were a little brains and some cool flips he was good at doing. 

The bright side was that they still thought of him as the best leader, the one they could turn to when needing instructions. He was able not to face her too directly, but he was an active and important part of the team. It was just fine, even if his heart still was a little lonely, because you don’t really need people to make it beat.

And then Roy came along, and Dick’s heart _bloomed_. Roy couldn’t breathe underwater, he didn’t have a super strength nor could fly or could run faster than the wind. He was a human, just like him, a boy with good physical abilities and a flawless aim. 

His smirk was more than enough to hide his vulnerability, in the others’ eyes, but not to Dick’s. Roy wasn’t keen on sharing his fears and his insecurities, but Dick could read them right through him, because they were alike, in that crazy world where powers were the normalty. Their hearts were connected, and that was just the first thing to tie them together, the reason they approached each other’s soul in the first place.

Dick had learned to know not only Speedy, but Roy Harper, fourteen years old and enthusiastic about youth. His grin was playful and witty, constantly teasing with careless sparks in his moss-green eyes, observing the world around him like it was some hilarious joke he was the only one to get. But he saw everything, with his reading between the lines, empathy unhidden behind his gaze, a kindness he was almost afraid of, like he feared it could destroy him at any given second.

And as much as how amused Dick was at Roy’s awful puns, as much as how he blushed at the awe in his eyes when he looked at Dick’s acrobatics and at his body, as much as he always seemed to hold special attentions for him, Dick fell in love – more like _stumbled and dived into it_ with that side of Roy, the depth the archer looked at like it was a dark abyss, but to Dick looked like a mine shining with precious gems.

There was that time where the five of them went out having dinner together, in civilian clothes, like a normal group of friends, and Dick suddenly realized he didn’t feel alone anymore. Because all the pieces were just _there_ , in his very hands. He had friends who knew him and one who understood him like nobody else, he had a mission he felt was his path, he had a home and a family and he was _happy_ , for the first time ever since he wore the Robin costume nine years earlier. There was no worry in his heart, no shadows hovering above him and threatening to steal him away any second. 

And even when he left for college and the Teen Titans disbanded, he knew what his place was, and everything in his life was exactly where it was meant to be.

He wishes he knew how everything was going to fall apart.

First he dropped out of college, or rather he was doing _so damn bad_ that they suggested him he didn’t even come back after just the first semester. Jason came along, and Bruce loved him as a son, and maybe it was just about experience with children, but Dick didn’t remember being hugged like that when he was Jay’s age. He convinced himself so hard, because the idea of Bruce not loving him like he thought he did scared him half to death.

Then he argued with Bruce, and it hurt his weakest point, demolished his confidence. He did want to be himself, to fight the way he believed was right, the way his heart wished, but how could that be right, if Bruce was that displeased? That wasn’t what Bruce taught him, and Bruce was always right, so did that mean Dick was wrong? 

He decided they were just personal differences, that they were just dissimilar ways to be right, and that as long as he concluded the mission would have been proud and content with his work – with Dick. 

He became Nightwing. He reunited the Titans, more and more times, he searched for his own way to be a superhero, building himself and going on like he didn’t need Bruce’s lessons anymore. Jason became Robin, took the mantle he had left, and he was completely aware he’d grown past Batman’s wing, that he was all by himself now. He couldn’t go back, no matter how hard he would’ve wanted or needed it. He wasn no more Bruce’s kid, he had become Dick Grayson’s own man, and he had to behave as such – that was what he told himself every morning, as he woke up with no idea of what he had to do to survive the day that was to come.

And then Jason had died, and a part of Dick’s heart had died, too. He was just a boy, and he had suffered and feared as Death took his soul with a raw kiss. Jason felt like the Robin mantle gave him magic, he would always shout that, a joyful laughter exploding in his small body, and he always used to enthusiastically run and jump around without thinking twice. He felt immortal, untouchable, with so much life flowing through his veins that not even death could bring it all away. 

It was cruel, the way a single hunter killed that baby bird like it was nothing. 

Jason’s heart had kept suffering inside of Dick, but there was no time to let himself work that agony out. If Dick’s grief was burning him to the ground, Bruce’s was _devastating_. Dick had tried being next to him, cradling his father’s heart in his, mending him and putting the pieces back together, but he just wasn’t enough. Bruce needed so much more than a broken young man that was barely able to stand on his own feet, and Dick was useless, broken and weak, and if he couldn’t help Bruce when he was at his worst how could he be anything but worthless?

Bruce had never been the same anymore. Tim had arrived and taken the Robin mantle, and it helped, just a little, and Jason came back, even if with the bitterness and the anger. But Dick was never able to fix Bruce anymore, to make him smile from the heart, sincerely joyous and genuine. And Dick had been grieving, both for Jason and for the Bruce he used to know.

Moving to Blüdhaven would’ve helped, he had thought after disbanding the Titans for the nth time. He could’ve grown new roots, built a life of his own far from the manor and from Bruce and Batman. That was the freedom he needed, wasn’t it?

Responsibilities landed on his shoulders with the ‘Haven smog. He was alone, again. He had friends, but they didn’t know about the part of his heart that belonged to superheroing. He would laugh and joke around with them, but that was it. Bruce didn’t understand him anymore – not that he seemed to care about trying, anyway. There was Barbara, but they’d been butting heads more often than not. 

And Damian arrived, and it was even worse, with the duties of being the eldest brother, a father figure to him, the pacifier in the zoo the manor was becoming, Batman and Dick Grayson with his job and his whole life. The baggage was heavy, and all his energies struggled to keep him awake and from collapsing.

Then there had been the Titans, and the Outsiders, and the Titans again, and Bruce had come back, in this crazy world where everyone but his parents have cheating on Death as a hobby, and it should’ve helped, but nothing had seemed to work. There were pieces he’d must have left behind along the way, because time passed and he was so _clueless_. He survived and carried on, but he had no method anymore, he pushed away any compass that had been offered to him and the world looked creepily immense around him. And Bruce wasn’t there anymore, right behind him, telling him the way to go, the direction and his every move to make; any step was his own responsibility, just as the consequences of his actions were, and the world counted on him. 

After all, it’s pretty logical to count on the storic leader of pretty much any team he’d been in, the ex-sidekick of the greatest human superhero in the world, one of the people who spent the biggest part of their lives in the work. He should have been a straight failure, to not be reliable with all the privileges he’d received during his life.

And yet, there he was, crying on his balcony after his twenty-eighth birthday party, letting himself break down once he was finally on his own. It was stupid, because he’d just spent five hours drinking and eating and having fun with everybody, joking about getting old and how they’ll soon find themselves complaining about the younger generations, and they all were cheerful and nice. All the invited ones had shown up, even bringing presents and food. 

The party had been just perfect, and Dick couldn’t have thanked his friends enough. But he felt so guilty, for not really being able to bring himself to enjoy their company; they had given him all their joy, just to make the day special, but there was this ungrateful apathy lurking all inside of him, and, _God,_ he didn’t deserve them, at all. 

He had smiled and giggled all night long, though – he just needed to pretend the light tickle under his skin affected him more than it actually did. He’d let his happy mask fall only when he was alone, with no one involved in his pain but himself.

_Well_ – at least, that was his intention. He found out this was another failure when footsteps and the noise of a knife on the counter reached his ears from the kitchen behind him. He cursed his own stupidity in every way he could think of, as Roy approached him, a smirk on his face and two little plates with a piece of cake each. «Hey, birthday boy. What is it, weren’t we all exquisite guests?»

«No, that’s not it!» Dick instinctively turned to face him, hands frantically wiping the _goddamn tears_ from his cheeks, praying they would just disappear as well as the sobs in his throat, threatening to choke him with every word he tried to put together. «I’m so sorry, you were amazing and you really made it special, it’s all on me!»

The playfulness on Roy’s face slid off in a few seconds, as he looked at Dick and deduced it wasn’t really the time for games. «I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.»

He was sincerely apologizing, and Dick realized he just snapped. _He really was all over the place, huh_. He stuttered a few syllables, unsure of where his speech was supposed to go, but he soon gave up; he leant on the balcony again, not feeling the courage to look at Roy. «I’m sorry.» he mumbled, again, and that word was generated for the third time in a situation where everything was just in the wrong place.

«’s okay.» Maybe, he was a little worried, but Roy totally didn’t show it; he looked calm, and Dick couldn’t ask for more, mainly because, considering the position he was in, it would’ve taken no more than a pinch to completely fall apart. Roy left the plates on the table, among all the empty ones, the trays, the glasses and the bottles, reminiscences of a festive air that had been all blown away, and he stood next to Dick, elbows resting on the railing and eyes to him. The moonlight kissed his freckles, and the reflections in his green eyes dissipated the panic in him. 

There was quiet, for a few seconds, a silence only broken by Dick’s breath chilling out and the cars dashing and honking in the streets. 

«I thought everyone had gone away already.» the brunette briefly mentioned, a question between the lines. 

Roy shrugged, scratching the back of his neck with a slight embarrassment. «I offered to stay here helping you clean everything out, Lian is with Dinah and Ollie right now. Oh, by the way, Wally threw up all over the bathroom.»

A small, sincere chuckle came out of Dick’s mouth. «Ew! We had always known he’s terrible at holding his liquor!»

«And he’s also terrible at refusing challenges.»

Dick frowned, holding back other giggles. «Garth?»

Roy nodded, and they both burst out in laughter. For a second, Dick wondered just how Roy could _do that_ , taking all the pain away, even if for a couple minutes, even if for the time of a smile or of a gaze. He’d been wondering a lot if he still was in love with him like when they were kids, about the nature of his feelings. But everytime he started meditating about that, there was something or someone coming up, and he found himself putting it aside, in a corner where doubts would’ve stayed until they caught his attention again.

And also, with the chaos his emotions were at the moment, a troubled partner like him was the last thing they both could’ve dealt with.

When the laughter faded, Roy’s tone went down, and his voice was a little more than a whisper. «What’s wrong, Dick? I haven’t seen you crying like that in years.»

Dick bit his lower lip, searching for a starting point. He somehow wanted to talk to him, to let everything out, but there was something stopping him – there was the fear of burdening him, making him feel like Roy had to help him, or saying all the wrong things and worrying him far more than the necessary, or entangling him in that turmoil too, and Dick would’ve never been able to forgive himself.

_Was there anything to lose, though?_ If Dick decided not to say anything, Roy would’ve just been more concerned. And after all, wasn’t Roy the only one to always get him?

He sighed, just so that he could catch his breath back. «I don’t know. It’s just… Everything is so slipping away from me.» Words sound all jumbled, in his mind, and he really hoped they weren’t as much in his mouth. «I feel like, I don’t know, I’m holding my shit together but I could lose my grip at any second, and if I lose control everything will fall, and I will just let everybody down, and they will all abandon me… and I will be so alone…»

The last words got out of his lips in a weak gasp, with the panic instantly materializing his worst fear right in front of his eyes, and it’s _stupid_ , because just half an hour earlier there were more than a dozen people in his small flat, but he just couldn’t help it, and he could drown in his tears right now, the sky looked far and he was _so deep down_.

Beside him, Roy made his own breath a little louder, and Dick knew he was inviting him to breathe together, so that his lungs wouldn't explode on the spot. And it worked, just as it always did with him.

Roy’s index finger drew small circles on Dick’s wrist, and some authentic peace flowed through the contact of their skins. «Look, little bird… I guess it doesn’t add anything, if I tell you no one will be disappointed or leave you just for a single mistake, right?»

There was a bitter smile, on his face. «It doesn’t,» he replied, slowly. «but I guess it’d be nice to hear it.» The river of his thoughts wasn’t as furious as before, but it still didn’t stop from showering him whole, freezing him to the bone. «God, look at me. Most guys my age have a job, a family, but I’m here, pathetically keeping it together and, I mean…» He shook his head. «… _lost_.»

Roy didn’t answer, as he contemplated Dick’s words, and his main doubt was probably that – Dick pretty much felt the urge to bury himself, acknowledging what happens when he speaks without thinking – he was, in fact, among the people the other just mentioned.

_It’s almost ironic_ , Dick pondered. They used to be one and the same, and in some aspects they still were, but life’s mercy went the exact opposite way. While Dick’s teen years were the last time he truly felt happy, Roy’s were a _trainwreck_. The man he wished the most to be adopted by had gone broke and left him, going around the world with people Roy felt were so much more interesting, so much cooler, so much _better_ ; and the Teen Titans disbanded, too, and he found himself on his own. Loneliness had grabbed him in its agonizing grip, and his heart just broke in pieces all over the dirty ground, with no one to catch it, with no one to share a smile with his forsaken soul. He looked for company in all the wrong places, put his life on the line, desperate to be seen and caught by someone – _anyone_.

He spent more time than it would’ve been healthy for him wandering in his life, without a destination nor a goal, with no hope fueling him. 

And then Lian had come along, and he became Arsenal, and he finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Adulthood gave him the stability he needed, gave him a direction to follow, and he no longer had to survive day to day, spending in bed or in a bar all of his free time. He shone and lived, for real, this time, and he was happy.

Dick still couldn’t figure why he kept sticking around a disaster like him, with nothing more to offer him than tears on his own birthday and missions being his only distraction from his own mind.

«Why do you do this, Roy?» He didn’t mean to ask like that, but it left his throat before he could even question himself. «You could just walk away. You could spare yourself this torment, you would be so much better.»

«And leave you on your own? Please. We both know you wouldn’t survive five minutes.» he chuckled in return.

_That’s not the point_ , Dick would’ve liked to tell him, but Roy turned a little, so that he faceed him, taking his face in his big hands. They were warm, on Dick’s cheeks, callous and solid, holding him from falling. He rested his forehead against Dick’s, eyes firmly fixed in his, breath caressing his lips. «I’m _not fucking ever_ walking away on you, Dick, not in this nor another life. Yeah, growing up is a pain in the ass, for some more than for others. But you can do this, you can find your purpose, y’know, a reason to wake up every morning and be happy you’re alive. And even if it takes you forever to find one, you can _always_ count on me, because I love you. You’re family, and I don’t leave family behind. You got me, bird-brain?»

Dick might just tear up again. It was _so much_ , it was a promise he never allowed himself the luxury of dreaming about. He didn’t want anyone to be committed to him against their will, he didn’t want to force them to catch him everytime he tripped on himself, to keep the fragments together when he just wanted to cease existing. 

But Roy was willingly taking him in his arms, giving him sanctuary from the weight of the world. For the first time after a long agony, Dick could see the hypothetical possibility of some _serenity_ , forgetting for some minutes all the responsibilities in his hands and just let Roy cradle him, softly, singing those ancient songs with their reassuring and mysterious sound. 

No words came out of his mouth, but Dick nodded, with his heart smiling through his lips. Roy sensed everything – just as he always did – that was behind that small gesture, and answered with a glimpse in his eyes, as his thumb caressed Dick’s cheekbones. There was barely any distance between them, breaths colliding with one another, and the space was all filled with electricity, making Dick’s heart beat faster, making his cheeks burn. 

Their lips met somewhere in between. It had been a lot of time, since they last kissed, and Dick wondered if it was always so wonderful. It was about the way Roy’s lips held his tight, fitting together like two pieces of the same puzzle; it was about the tenderness in his stony fingertips, on his face and his neck and in his hair; it was about his smell of sugar and chocolate and wild plants that was always with him; it was about the body he pulled a little closer against him, warm and broad, as if it was built just to keep him safe. It was about _all of him_ , it was about attention and caring, about love and attraction, about having each other forever in a world where even Life and Death were in a constant conflict. It was about destiny, and it was about choices.

When they parted to catch air in their lungs again, there was almost a sense of loss inside of Dick. But it luckily didn’t last long, as Roy’s smile melted his soul and made it warm. He whispered a «Thank you», or maybe he only imagined it, thinking it so clearly that it was almost loud in his mind; apparently, though, Roy intended that anyways, because he shook his head. Then, he tossed an arm around Dick’s shoulders, keeping him against his torso, chin brushing in his black hair. «Now, maybe we should clean up your house, huh?»

He chuckled, suddenly feeling light, a few inches above the ground almost. «Seems fair. Thanks, for helping, you know.»

Roy shrugged, fingers still stroking the other’s arm. «It’s nothing. Those barbarians left too much of a mess for only one person to take care of it, anyways.» Laughter, from both of them. «And after that, how does it sound to you, sleeping together, snuggle under the sheets, and waking up next to each other and waiting for the other one to open his eyes too while watching the sunlight all over his naked skin?»

The very specific imagery was already shining in Dick’s irises, as he leant against Roy, placed a gentle kiss in the crook of his neck and put an arm around his waist. «I couldn’t ask for more.»

**Author's Note:**

> pretty pointless, but fun to write, i guess! comments are always appreciated!! <3


End file.
